It's amazing to read the words I wrote four and a half years ago. At that point in my life I had it all, but was still depressed. I was able to get frustrated over others struggles, without truly understanding how bad mine would get. I wish that every time I wrote a talk in my head, or a lesson plan for a spiritual class I would have written it down. I'm truly amazing at what I do, but I still have a hard time accepting and forgiving myself.
I don't have my family anymore. I spoke in the last post about how I had a family. Since then I have driven my wife away, and now she in the arms of a new husband. I have lost many friends, and lost my good reputation in the community. I slipped. I let my loneliness and sense of rejection take over and I went looking for excitement, and acceptance.
Here is the good news: I'm alive. I too spent a great deal of time contemplating suicide. I was low. Back in 2012 I couldn't understand why someone wanted to take their life. By the end of 2013 I was a survivor.
What to do now? I typically get attached to people easily, and now I am attached. Two days ago I was on the verge of basically planning a wedding... today I am unsure if things have changed... or not. My personality is too much for people sometimes... I want ... desire... beg for attention sometimes. It drives them away.
I'm hoping for this new love. This new devotion. This new family. Lets just wait and see what happens.
